5th Annual Mid-Season Awards

Contributing Writer: Janelle Caballero

Welcome to the 5th Annual Mid-Season Awards! We are your hosts, Bob Saget and Katy Perry, and we’re excited to bring you the most anticipated award show EVER. And yes, we’re being serious.
This award show is brought to you by Tito’s Vodka, because without them, you can’t have Moscow Mules. And life without drinks in copper mugs is no life at all.

As many of you are aware, this award show was previously hosted on the Fountain Network, but was moved to our network after last year’s host had one too many martini’s on stage. Um, I mean it moved networks due to streaming rights. So let’s begin our award reveals… who’s ready? Take it away, Bob.

Trashtalker of the Year award: While he cannot be described as a “trash talking” King, the owner of Worthy of My Greatness is often seen flapping his lips on the smack boards… I mean his team name is basically trash talk to everyone else in the league. Let’s see if they really are worthy of greatness in the playoffs.

(In Alonzo’s acceptance speech there were a lot of *Waves* and *Hugs*. He wrapped up his speech with a “Holy Cow Bortles please be my hero!” *Chuckles* before exiting the stage)

As we didn’t have any Rookies this season, the Rookie of the Year award has been replaced with the
Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen Award: One year after putting in a 9-4 season, Mr. Cha-Ching sits at 3-7 and looks to finish below .500. He’s also in contention to play for the coveted Toilet Bowl Trophy.

(We’re sorry to say that Mr. Cha-Ching couldn’t make it here to accept this award… he’s too busy spending his FAAB money on kickers.)

Comeback Owner of the Year:  One year after going 4-9 all season, BYE Week is already 4-6 with 3 weeks left. The other Comeback Owner… Packing Heat. Heat also had a 4-9 record last year, and is now sitting at 6-4 and has a decent shot at the playoffs.

(While we do have 2 winners this year, only one will get the trophy, so I guess you’ll have to duel it out after the show. We don’t want to see that onstage so please remain in your seats.)
Our next award, really does not have a surprise winner this year…

You'd Really Have to Screw up to Miss the Playoffs award: Ertz when Eifert has sealed up their playoff spot, and not only that, they have already clinched a Division Leader win. As of week 10, they have a 9-1 record. With only 3 weeks left to play in the regular season, the team closest to him is Ram I Am with a 5-5 record. He’s also 2 wins away from securing the best Head-to-Head record EVER recorded in this league. Previous winner of that title: Ertz when Eifert with a 10-3 record in 2016. The same year he lost in the 2nd round of the playoffs.

(Clay reaches the stage and grabs the microphone… “I win at LIFE people. Deal with it!” Exits stage left, holding the trophy over his head)

No Shot of the Playoffs award: Those delicious Truffles need some Shuffle in their step if they are going to avoid the dreaded Toilet Bowl…. Fortunately for them, they have some competition with Mr. Cha-Ching hanging out in the basement with them.

Mired in Mediocrity award: Well, this award goes to… the entire Abusement Park Division. All four teams are either at 4-6 or 3-7. Whichever team snags a 6-7 record could easily win that division…. By a landslide.

Worst Trade Offer award: Well, this award is normally reserved for Straight Outta Goffton, and while the Awards Committee has witnessed some tragic trade offerings this year by SOG…. he was actually the recipient of a bad trade deal when he dealt away James White for LeSean McCoy. Since that trade, McCoy has only 2 games with over 10 points, while White has had 4.

Crappiest Team with a Winning Record: And the winner is….Ram I Am. Despite having the lowest total points scored on the season (839 pts) he sits surprisingly at .500 with a 5-5 record. Will he continue this defiance of the fantasy gods or will his crappy team finally catch up to him?

Most Frugal Team Owner: Spending money on your team can be a recipe for success… not spending money on your team? Perhaps a recipe for disaster. Just ask the Kashyyk Wookies ($232) and Mr. Cha-Ching ($220) ….. They have 4-6 and 3-7 records respectively. Perhaps they will learn to part with their money so they can build a decent team next year…..or as Jon Gruden calls it a 10-year plan.
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Well, Folks this wraps up our fabulous Mid-Season Awards show. We’re hoping you found it as exciting as we did, and perhaps next year the show will be on a new network. One with better drinks. Good night.