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Contributing Writer: Mike Fountain of Kashyyyk Wookies  Good evening folks. Welcome to the 4th Annual but I think we skipped last year “One League to Rule Them All” Mid-Season Awards. I’m your host Chuck Woolery. You know one place you will never find me? At the Post Office, that’s because I use stamps.com. It’s great! Print postage right on your home computer. To skip the lines and avoid rubbing elbows with vagrants at the Post Office, use stamps.com. Enter the promo code “suckitTrebekk” and get a four week trial, postage and a scale. Now that we have the business side of things taken care of, cozy up with your phone and grab a cocktail. (sips dirty martini) Ah, that’s tasty! (Looks at producer) Why can’t we be sponsored by Bombay Sapphire?? It’s alway an interesting year for The League, fast starts, high hopes and dreams that get shattered like a collar bone. Returning owners, owners leaving, name changes. Through it all The League still remains strong because of strong leadership. Which lead us to our first award of the event. "The We Couldn't Have Done it Without You" award. (Fiddles with envelope) I'm so excited I can't wait to see who wins...Janelle!! (Camera pans to League members as they give a standing ovation hoping the Commish will reward them with extra FAAB.) Oh this is great, you know folks, I really enjoy award season, great people, great food, and free drinks! (Grabs and drinks a gin rickey) Great job again this year, Janelle. Let's move on to the next award. Ah, yes there is it. Sorry folks I'm having a little trouble reading the prompter. "Rookie of the Year" award. Goes to Collette! Collette come one up here and get this trophy! Well folks no surprise with that one she’s the only new member. Wait, she’s been here before, does she even qualify as a rookie? Oh well it’s in the prompter, so I’m reading it. (Looks off stage) Hey hey you back there another martini pronto!! "Comeback Owner of the Year" Collette?! How does she qualify for both awards? (Throws mic at producer) This makes no sense. Let's keep this party rollin' shall we? The next two awards fall on opposite sides of the spectrum "You'd Really Have to Screw up to Miss the Playoffs" award. Goes to Mike. He has the best record at the mid-way point and it's almost impossible for him to miss the playoffs. Well, I guess nothing's impossible. We’ve seen him go on a big losing streak before. "No Shot of the Playoffs" award. Alonzo. No drama for this award, one can only assume that he is saving cap space building for next year when you look at this roster construction. (Tosses back martini) Tom was nipping at Beadles heels for this award but his division is terrible and mired in mediocracy. Speaking of mediocracy It's time for the "Mired in Mediocracy" award. This one is for you busters fighting it out in the middle of your divisions. Like my friend Ricky Bobby says "If you ain't first, you last!" The bottom half of the Rohan division is just terrible this year all of these “winners” are below 500 please welcome to the stage, Josh, Janelle, Clay and Tom. Go take your poo trophy this will be the only winning that you will be doing this year. (Looks at producer) I am not drunk! (Looking at camera with a wink and smile). Yes, yes everyone clap away for their general sucktitude. Let's wrap this thing up so I can get my paycheck and grab another cocktail. For the last award of the evening it's a fan favorite "Worst Trade Offer" award. Dana!! Wow, folks Dana has a strangle hold on this award. He's a virtual lock for it year after year. In Dana's acceptance speech, he simply said, "I'm not going to change." Well folks I'm getting the wrap it up signal from the producers. Don't forget to tip your waitress and take an Uber home. Now where is my paycheck and cocktail. (drops the mic) 
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Contributing Writer: Liliana Macias of Kiss My Heisman Yes, I’m referring to Aaron Rogers injury to his right collarbone, on his throwing side. I watched that play over and over again because I needed some kind of explanation of how that fall caused his collar bone to break. We see players fly in the air, land on different limbs and they stand up and walk away without a scratch (Ok sometimes they wobble away) But not for Rogers.
I noticed how Rogers has not been placed on the IR list. (Update: Rodgers was placed on IR on 10/20/2017) Besides the technicalities of it all, I think it also has to do with giving the fans hope that he Rogers will be returning soon. Do you guys remember when Rogers broke his left collarbone back in 2013 but somehow managed to make a huge comeback? He returned and beat the Bears and won the division. This could possibly happen again, but huge things need to happen with Green Bay while he is out. Only time will tell. Hope the best for you Rogers. And now to baseball. Last year the Chicago Cubs won the World Series after 108 years! That was such an awesome game!! This year we have the Los Angeles Dodgers who are World Series bound after they secured a spot last night with their win over the Cubs 11-1. As a kid, I remember my mom cheering them on back in 1988 during the World Series. Here's to the memories and hopefully to another World Series Championship after 30 years! Go Dodgers!
Those of you that know me, know I like the Red Sox. And this past week it was brutal cheering for them. So to honor America’s pastime here's your week 5 recap.
The outlook wasn't pretty for the Golden One that day; the score stood 90 to 81, with a Monday night game to play. When Lacy choked in Seattle and Marshall, did the same, a sickly silence fell upon the bar that cold October day. A straggling few got up to go in great despair. And Fantasy football score cards were lying everywhere. He thought, if only Stefon Diggs could but get a score After all Minnesota is at Chicago, need I say any more? But Sam Bradford had been injured, so will the call go out? To the backup Case Keenum, My oh my watch out. So upon that stricken manager grim melancholy sat, for there seemed but little chance of Digg's getting 10 points after that. Then from fifty thousand throats and more there rose a lusty yell; it rumbled through the stadium, it rattled the stands as well; With Zeros on the scoreboard, and cheerleaders on the field, the Bears and Vikings were coming on the field. There was ease in Diggs's manner as he stepped onto the field; there was pride in Diggs's bearing and 14 on Diggs's back. And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly waved his hand, no stranger in the crowd could doubt 'that was Diggs's a talking smack Ten thousand eyes were on him as he sprinted out that day; five thousand tongues applauded when he went in motion on a play. Then while the quarterback Sam Bradford was handing off the ball, hope gleamed in Diggs's eye, “First down” the Referee called. And now the pigskin-covered sphere came hurtling through the air, and Diggs was running a post route his head a turning stared The wide receiver reached for the ball and landed with much flair But alas it wobbled on the ground, shaking his head in disgust and despair . From the stadium full of people, there went up a muffled roar, like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore. "Kill him! Kill the Ref!" shouted someone in the stands; "He was held!" they cried and yelling filled the stands. He signaled to the quarterback, and once more the football flew; but Diggs couldn't reach it, and the Referee Shouted: "Forth and two." "Fraud!" cried the maddened fans, and echo answered fraud; but one scornful look from Diggs and the audience was awed. And now the quarterback hikes the ball, and now he lets it fly, and now the manager says, "I think I'm gonna cry." Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright; the band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light, and somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere drinks are out; but there is no joy for Golden-One — For now he's 1 and 4, it's lights out. Final Score Kiss my Heisman 90, Golden One 81 Congrats to the winners, and to the losers let's keep plugging. ;-( Special thanks to "Casey at the Bat" a baseball poem written in 1888 by Ernest Thayer. Contributing Writer: Viju Mathew of Ram I Am “Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a B&!@% off the field right now. Out. He’s fired. He’s fired!'” — Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States
Last weekend, POTUS was peeved at the fact that many professional football players were not worshipping the flag the same way he does. His boisterous base of support rallied to the cause, insulted that individuals were actually respecting the military by exercising a freedom that soldiers die for to ensure…oh, the insolent insolence. Trump’s fans fumed as, unlike Charlottesville, there were not good people on both sides of this issue, only pigment-rich rebels protesting in deafening silence. One group bludgeoned by the Commander-in-Chief’s bluster was fantasy football’s stalwart One League to Rule Them All, which, though politically neutral, were tackled by an offensive line of tweets from the nation’s top dog—each less than 140 characters of cruelty. Obi-Juan Kenobi (128) vs. Mr-Cha-Ching (121) @realDonaldTrump A shame that patriot Aaron Rodgers has to waste talent on a team owned by Obi-Juan Kenobi—obviously immigrant, probably illegal. #votevader @realDonaldTrump Derek Carr and Raiders, overrated. Kenny Golladay, a disgrace. Mr. Cha-Ching, go back to CHI-NA! #kareemhuntmancrush Ertz when Eifert (101) vs. Klueless in Chicago (93) @realDonaldTrump Love these teams and their owners, great Americans. A testament to diversity, two different types of Caucasian altogether. #passthetorch @realDonaldTrump Jordan Howard 31 points, grew up running from the cops. Seattle Seahawks, embarrassing negative 3 points, liberal losers. #obamasteam Ram I Am (128) vs. Packing Heat (59) @realDonaldTrump Lam I Am makes me sick, heard his team’s a sleeper cell—get those goat herders outta here! #melaniawantshim @realDonaldTrump Packing Heat’s performance disappointing. League’s affinity for affirmative action to blame, sad. #Brettfavresayshi Kiss My Heisman (122) vs. Chief Deflater (93) @realDonaldTrump Kiss My Heisman owner is one of the good ones from Mexico. #dontquoteme @realDonaldTrump Inviting Kirk Cousins to the White House, but just him. #dansnyderistherealracist @realDonaldTrump Chief Deflater represents the heartland of this great nation, except for losing. #biblebeltbeatdown @realDonaldTrump Tom Brady carried Chief Deflater, he’s my personal friend—you’re welcome. #icouldcoachbetterthanbelichick Kashyyyk Wookies (83) vs. Straight Outta Gofton (79) @realDonaldTrump Lame game. Both teams terrible. Roethlisberger deserves defeat staying in locker room during anthem, shameful. #terminatetomlinson @realDonaldTrump At least Gofton owner golfs, I’m great at gold, just the best. #beercartgirls Lloyd Dobler (124) vs. Golden One (77) @realDonaldTrump Golden One, name reminds me my trip to Russia…good times. Son-in-law Kushner plays better ball than Kelvin Benjamin #partylikeputin @realDonaldTrump Lloyd Dobler, great movie. Gurley, his name says it all. Ezekiel Elliot, my kind of man, except black. #domesticabuseisfakenews *** Opinions, fake news and facts are provided by the author, not the league. **** |
