Contributing Writer: Viju Mathew of Ram I Am

“People will become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited earth–“ —Luke 21:26
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On Tuesday, November 8, the wild beast of Revelation found a new figurehead as Donald John Trump was voted the 45th president of the United States, proof that the majority of Americans derived their education from the Maury Povich and Jerry Springer shows.
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Last Sunday, the president-elect appeared on 60 Minutes and was interviewed by the lovely Lesley Stahl. Excerpts that didn’t make the broadcast were unearthed by a Clinton aid and reveal that The Donald loves his football almost as much as he loves grabbing…attention. It’s no surprise, however, that the fantasy game confuses and annoys him, as does one league in particular. 

Lesley Stahl: What is it about Fantasy Football that offends your sensibilities Mr. President-Elect?
Trump: Well, Lesley, and by the way you look beautiful, not as beautiful as Melania but a definite 6. Anyway, I don’t need to fantasize, that’s for losers, but if I did, it wouldn’t be about football if you know what I mean. But more to the point, this One League to Rule Them All group really defines what’s wrong with America, I mean the majority of them wouldn’t be in this country if my wall had already been built. Worse, one of them, his name sounds Muslim, is probably a terrorist—I mean, that’s what people are saying, you tell me. This suspected jihadist claims to be a Rams fan. Who the hell is a Rams fan if they were actually born in this country? And he loses this week to a guy who named his team after a John Cusack character, really? When I want to be reminded of an ‘80s has-been I call up Ivanna or Marla Maples. But what I find most suspicious is that Ram I Am left two spots on his roster blank to obviously ensure his 70-point obliteration. You know who does that? Suicide bombers. I’m just saying.
 
Stahl: That is a terrifying thought, but don’t you think you might be reading too much into it?
​Trump: Not a chance, I don’t read, waste of time. I’ll give you more proof. One member of this subversive group has obvious ties to more militant factions of the LGBT community and is closely associated with Caitlyn Jenner who, in my opinion, is a national tragedy. This 50-shader, and you want to talk about “little hands” don’t get me started, he loses 104-136 to some mickey mouse prancin nancy, I want to see both of their birth certificates.

Stahl: Mr. Trump, you seem to be getting agitated, let me shift focus to your attitude towards women.
Trump: I love women, Lesley, I really do, and let me tell you, I’ve loved a lot of them, even black ones, well only one really, I was young, but I have nothing but respect for the gender. In fact, this group’s league commissioner is a woman and, from what I’ve seen, if she was the Democratic nominee rather than crooked Hillary, I would’ve lost. I’m thinking of considering her as a foreign policy adviser due to her understanding of cross-cultural issues, after all, she married a Mexican, but a good one, not a raping drug dealer. She’s a winner in my book, well, not this week because her husband beat her 118-105 but I’m sure her Eastern European blood will eventually prevail, just like mine did.

Stahl: Well it’s comforting to hear that there are women you respect.
Trump: Of course there are, I’ll give you another, the Hispanic owner of Powered by Donuts, a true credit to her people. The lady is a single mom and woman of great faith, not as great as my faith because I have the greatest faith, that’s what people say at least, I don’t know, you tell me, but she is strong, she won this week by 21 points. Actually, that might not be the best example now that I think about it, her opponent was a guy that is both a grown adult and Disneyland devotee, sad really, just sad. When did those two things stop being mutually exclusive? I don’t know, you tell me.
 
Stahl: Personally, I think we all need to remain in touch with our inner child. Speaking of children, what is the relationship like with your own?
Trump: They love me. Let’s face it, I’m the best dad. And I really like all my kids, Ivanka the most because she’s the hottest, but they are all great, even the one I just found out about.
Stahl: And who is that?
Trump: I actually didn’t know he existed until recently. His mother was the German ambassador to China and she and I had a dalliance after dim sum about 25 years ago. The kid has been raised since infancy by an upper middle-class white family in Goleta, Calif., and he is a golfer and spends a lot of time at a very discriminatory country club…I really couldn’t be more proud. I see a lot of myself in him, especially since he doesn’t let misguided respect for senior citizens get in the way of crushing the competition. He beat an elderly Red Sox fan this week by 15 points, that’s my boy. Go Yankees.
 
Stahl: Finally, you will be sworn in as the next president of this country in January. What brings you hope for this nation?
Trump: You’re looking at him. Also, I can tell you this, once all the illegals and people that I would like to make illegal are deported, we will have only patriots left, patriots like the owner of Ertz when Eifert. Now that’s a citizen who could help make America great again, not just because he beat a guy whose last name sounds like a bug this week or that he has the proper lack of melanin in his skin, but due to the fact that he’s a self-made business man and his dad was a Vietnam veteran who didn’t get captured, which is more than I can say for John McCain. That, and the guy’s kids look like little Vikings and God knows we need more of that.
 
Editor’s Note: This transcript has been unsubstantiated and is not intended for public viewing nor does it reflect the sentiments of the author, the league, or any individual members. Mike Pence approves this message.
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Contributing Writer: Clay Hunt of Ertz When Eifert

This could be the worst recap ever...other than Alonzo's two years ago.

I struggle with how to recap the week. I'm sure you each know how your team did and how your opponent’s team did, so re-telling the story seems pointless. You've either already re-lived your victory or bringing it up again will burn like not properly rinsing the soap out of your lower regions, stings like hell but eventually goes away. And obviously, no one cares about anyone else’s team.

So I'm going to keep this simple and short...and try not to hurt anyone's feelings!!

I'm thinking just a few observations about fantasy football and our league...

First off, all would agree that Janelle is the Queen of the Castle league manager. No one puts the time and effort in that she does in any league I've ever been involved with. Including webpage, weekly stuff, draft, year-end party...everything. You rock, hands down!

That being said... hate the 5 receptions before you get the 5 pts. Would love to just do straight ppr.

Would love to consider a super flex option, where we could optionally play a qb/wr/rb...might be fun.

Auction draft is too much fun...FAB waivers are great.

Winning in FFB is 65% luck and then equal parts work, anger, yelling at the TV, disappointment...and drinking. And then drinking again, followed by yelling at the TV (and then your wife tells you to give up fantasy football, like you're Job, and diseased, and need to curse the FF gods and die)

The law of averages will kick my ass...6-0 start equals 6-6 eventually and first round loss in the playoffs...again.

I love that through the league I met and keep in touch with people who I enjoy, and probably wouldn't know as much about without it and sadly wouldn't have as much great exposure to. For example...

- Dana loves fantasy sports...like if fantasy sports was a blow-up doll...well, we can only imagine
- I never knew that adults liked Star Wars. That's very obviously a me problem...how and when did I miss the boat?
- I thought for sure the girls in this league had some sort of genetic disposition that enabled them to be amazing, turns out they're fallible like the boys...just took longer to manifest.
- I didn't know that Alonzo had a fetish for comfort foods. Cody's Cafe, Mesa Cafe...wait, I learned that through Instagram not fantasy football
- Tom likes beer, actually loves beer...like if beer was a blow-up doll...DANG IT, already used that one
- Mike Fountain has a sense of humor (great post the other week btw)
- Carlos' amazing season last year was quite obviously an aberration, welcome to reality...amigo
- I don't know Russ or Justin...at all. But I hate Lloyd Dobler and Prickly Prancin
- Finally...I miss my bro Vij!! (you can't talk trash about V, it's like looking at the sun...you're the one who gets hurt)

Without FF my weeks would be emptier, more boring...and less stressful. But I look forward to every week, every game, all the posts, the parties and friends. Thanks to all of you for the fun.

Enjoy last place LOSERS!! (haha) Cause if you ain't first...

***above was written under the influence and author cannot be held liable for content***

***much love to all***

Contributing Writer: Dana Gretchen of Straight Outta Goftton

Well right on time is the worst recap of the year I know you’ve all been waiting!
 
Well straight outta the gate Straight Outta Goftton got straight up rocked by the Jedi formally known as Obi-Juan Kenobi, really well known for his Aaron Rodgers light saber that will destroy anything in its path 41 times, good to see my team goff up the football right on time!   
SOG-89 vs OJK-118                                                                                                                                                                            
Chicago found its way in the 10th inning when Tom Brady tore up the Indians for 37 points! Oh, my bad that’s baseball! Haha wasn’t that a good joke, thought you’d like it, kinda gives you a prickly feeling and makes you want to prance around! Maybe not…
PP-103 VS KIC-134       
                                                                                                                                                          
But Lloyd! Petey didn’t even have a head! Harry… I took care of it! GEEZE! Well that’s how much it must of ertz for the Eifert tower who’s been dominating this year!  So sweet watching Amari Cooper catch all those TDs, too bad they were coming from the enemy known as the Lloyd Dobler, CAAN YOU DIGG IIIIT!
EWE-118 vs LD-132                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
Too much shade for a Wookie to find any sun? Seemed to be the case Sunday when Caitlyn was in 50 places at once and Han solo was nowhere to be found! His bastard son stabbed him!  Dang that sucked, anyway, not enough Kash to buy off Theo Riddick and his homie Allen Hurns, maybe not showing up to league party still costing him? Just wonder… 
KW-66 vs 50SOC-102                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
As the Ram that I Am! It was hard to watch as he stood there waiting for his team to arrive, oh ya he’s still standing there, seriously! He’s like where the hell is my team! Then these giant donuts started rolling down the street, one of them spoke as it rolled by and said “Hey don’t you play in the powder puff league!?” He proceeded to drink many IPAs and took a bath. Sorry Viju just playing J haha      
RIA-91 vs  PBD-94                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
It’s truly a Dawgy Dawg world these days in Cleveland, I mean come on you were right there! All you had to do is hold off chapman and his tired arm, how hard is that! Oh, whoops that’s baseball again, really playing that theme as it seems appropriate, almost as appropriate as a round of applause for the new owner of JAY AJAYI! What a find! Too bad you had to say BYE, not many were going to beat the GOLD ONE as his team rolled. But they’ll probably run out of steam for next week as you goff up blood from MEJ        
CDP-88 vs  GO-124                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
Like I said you were all waiting for this, so here it is! Viju will you send this to your work? I’m sure they’d hate meJ, been a crazy year so far with injuries, busts, and sleepers that woke up or stayed asleep, looking forward to the home stretch, thanks again for reading and sorry for wasting your time.
 
This guy is for real!