Contributing Writer: Josh Caballero Hello fellow One Leaguers, another football season has started and only 3 weeks in. In such a short amount of time we have all been defeated at least once and defeated someone else at least once. I think that’s a new record. Nobody absolutely sucks… yet. However, there are a few teams that are standing out in their accumulated points.  Ertz, Heat and Dobler have accrued over 400 points each and possibly the biggest threats overall barring any major injuries. The funny thing is that Ram I Am (why is it when I say that I want to make a Popeye quote after?) has two wins under his belt and is not even breaking 300 points total?! His team name should be Gandalf’s Grunions because he must be some kind of wizard making his opponents suspiciously lose when they play him. Let’s hope for less of that.  Chingy and the Wook (they should really start a boy band) were the biggest threats in the preseason with their bank accounts but apparently they were too worried about spending those Schrute-Bucks or Lleprechaun dollars and saving them for a rainy day. It’s fortunate for the rest of us, I say.
 Know what is delicious? Truffles! I also love truffle salt, have you tried it? If not, you should. I love shuffling with truffles too, but know what’s the best? The Goonies, probably because they never say “Die”. Lets hope they keep it that way and are able to find One-Eyed-Willey’s treasure trove of pirate ships and giant octopi, and BOOTY! Don’t let the losses bring you down, you just need some tricks up your sleeve like “slick shoes” or “bully blinders” and find your “fifty dowwa beel”.
 Last but not least Bye Bye Bye… do I hear a boy-band in here or is that just in my head? Nice pick up on the Fitzwagon! I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little jealous about it. I was tempted to bid on him too, seemed like it was a longshot at first but he has some legit potential. Hopefully that 3.5% goes up a bit in the coming weeks. Just don’t blame yourself, you WERE playing the guy who had the most points in the entire league this week.
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Contributing Writer: Mike Fountain “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way—in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.” - Charles Dickens
I’ve never read “A Tale of Two Cities” and don’t know if Chuck played fantasy football but from that opening paragraph I’m guessing he must have wrote it soon after his fantasy season started. We enter the season with such hope during and after the draft. We’ve done all the research, tested different draft strategies in mock drafts, have our cache of sleepers. Even if the draft doesn’t go our particular way we still are filled with hope for the season. We say to ourselves, “I have enough for the first few weeks then I’ll snag a break-out player on waivers and try and sucker someone into a bad trade (Dana). I’ll breeze into the playoffs.” Then week one is upon us, the games count and the points are for real. The euphoric joy we once had is soon dashed to pieces when our starting tight end goes out for the season or our franchise quarterback is carted off the field with a knee injury. Our sleepers keep hitting the snooze button on the start of the season and some just never wake up. The fantasy season is really a Tale of Two Cities. The cities of euphoria and despair with a dilapidated township of mediocrity right between them. Right now most of us are having a drink in mediocrity. Cheers to the new season! Contributing Writer: Alonzo BeadleBattle for the Championship!
It was League Championship Day as two teams marched onto the field. It would be Big Bad Mac Daddy MR CHA-CHING strutting his confident swag vs the losing 6 and 7 Ertz when Eifert. Just before kickoff MR CHA-CHING paced the sidelines and rallied his team with a cry, "it's in the bag, it's in the bag"!!!. Mean while the coach of Ertz when Eifert was trying to rally his beleaguered underachievers and shouted "How the Hell Did We Get HERE?!?!?! As the whistle blew the three day slug fest began with Ertz taking a shocking 19 pt lead but but there was plenty of game left. As an ill wind began to blow Any Given Sunday was fast approaching... Day two began with both team team's heroes giving it all they had. Tyreek the Streak Hill gave 16 for CHA-CHING but it wouldn't be enough as the Eiferts let it ALL out on the field maintaining a few points lead with three player left on Monday and MR CHA-CHING with only one dice left to roll it would soon be all over 117-84!!! Congrats to Clay for all of your hard work and dedication to your team and the league. Your victory was well deserved. Battle for 3rd & 4th The two would be Titans - Straight Outta Goffton and the Kashyyyk Wookies battled for Champagne wishes and Fantasy Dreams but both ended up coveting the Life Style of the Rich and Famous Ertz when Eifert. Kashyyyk had an impressive season, ending in a 9-4 tie with MR CHA-CHING for most fantasy wins. Congrats to Kashyyyk Wookies for being one of the best teams in the League. Battle for 5th & 6th - Mediocrity Trophy Chief Deflater took on Ram I Am Distracted for Most of the Season. During the game the Ram I Am Distracted's coach was missing and rumor has it he was found in the company of a feminine erm... "friend"... Congrats to Chief Deflater! Battle for 7th & 8th In a battle for "Does It Really Matter" the Golden One faced his 80's nemesis Lloyd Dobler. With Todd I'm no longer a Gurley-Man II plowing through the Tennessee Sticks for 52 unanswered point the Golden One was Done. Congrats to Lloyd for the win! Battle for 9th & 10th In the ALL Ladies Division the Packing Heat and Kiss My Heisman had a Powder Puff battle where Kiss's favorite, Kirk my Kissing Cousin landed 27 soft ones all over her Heisman and sealed the win. Congrats to Kiss My Heisman! Battle for the Toilet Bowl Trophy In the Last but Certainly Least Toilet Bowl Championship Obi-Juan Kenobi battled the Klueless one. With a combined 9 players scoring 6 to ZERO points both proved why they are bottom feeders. Klueless gave up his Care Bearing heart and conceded defeat even though he had a 1 pt. lead at the time proving himself completely Klueless! Congrats to the two of you for being at the bottom of the League. :D Contributing Writer: Justin MorenoWith all the fires going on, especially out where you all live, I hope everyone is hanging in there and staying safe. It’s been a crazy 2017 in many ways, and personally, I’m very glad to be done with it. I’m definitely looking forward to a good 2018. Congrats to Clayton and Carlos for making it to the finals… May the best team win. I also want to personally thank Janelle for once again running a top shelf league. It’s always fun to be a part of, so thanks for making it so enjoyable.
For this week’s write-up, I decided to just find various quotes that might have some remote connection (or not!) to each team in our league. Enjoy… Ertz when Eifert “I want to be playing into January for the rest of my career, God willing.” – Carson Wentz MR CHA –CHING “I started my life third and long. I skipped practices. I got kicked off my high-school team. I got kicked off my college team. I left pro football in 1969. I've had third and 15 my whole life. Everybody's had rocky moments from day one. But sometimes you pick up third and long, and that's where you make your money. That's where the satisfaction comes, from the game and from life.” – Kenny Stabler Straight Outta Goffton “If you want something you have to give up something. That’s what trades are.” – Bill Belichick Kashyyyk Wookies Top 5 best Chewbacca quotes about playing in One League to Rule Them All: 5. "GGGWARRRHHWWWW." - A New Hope 4. "WWWRRRRRRGWWWRRRR." - Revenge of the Sith 3. "WWWWWWWGGGGHHHRRRRW." - Revenge of the Sith 2. "RWGWGWARAHHHHWWRGGWRWRW." - The Empire Strikes Back 1. "WAGRRRRWWGAHHHHWWWRRGGAWWWWWWRR." - The Empire Strikes Back Ram I Am “I love being single. I can come and go as I please and stay out as late as I want to.” -- Eric Dickerson Chief Deflater “I don't believe you could be a 39-year-old quarterback in the NFL and eat cheeseburgers every day. I want to be able to do what I love to do for a long time.” – Tom Brady Golden One “We're gonna go inside, we're gonna go outside, inside and outside. We're gonna get 'em on the run boys and once we get 'em on the run we're gonna keep 'em on the run. And then we're gonna go go go go go go and we're not gonna stop til we get across that goalline. This is a team they say is... is good, well I think we're better than them. They can't lick us, so what do you say men?” – Rudy Ruettiger Lloyd Dobler “I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.” – Lloyd Dobler Packing Heat “Pro football was taking off when I became commissioner, and when a sport's successful and you're its chief executive officer, much of the credit flows to you and you develop a good track record.” – Pete Rozelle Kiss My Heisman "I don't have room for it. It'd just be something else I'd have to dust.” – Hattie Walker, grandmother of Heisman hopeful and Notre Dame running back Vagas Ferguson Obi-Juan Kenobi “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” Obi-Wan Klueless in Chicag0 “I'm helplessly and permanently a Red Sox fan. It was like first love...You never forget. It's special. It's the first time I saw a ballpark. I'd thought nothing would ever replace cricket. Wow! Fenway Park at 7 o'clock in the evening. Oh, just, magic beyond magic: never got over that” ― Simon Schama Contributing writer: Josh Caballero So it's off to another fantasy football playoff season. It's as if at a blink of an eye, the regular season was over and I was stuck licking my wounds of fantasy loser shame. I really shouldn't discount the 13 weeks it took to get here, they were not uneventful in any sense of the word. They were filled with winning streaks, losing streaks, surprising wins, horrible losses, good jokes, bad recaps and even worse trade proposals (seriously Dana, stop it.) However, did Julio go off for one week just to improve his fantasy value?! We really did have a race to the finish for last place this year. I've never seen such losers as I have this year, myself included. But at least I'm in good company. And what the heck Tom?! Your team decides to kill it all of a sudden?
Failing Up: A Viju Story. Never have I ever (wait...is this a drinking game?) seen someone be granted so much leeway in fantasy and reality... I've got to admit I'm a little jealous. Maserati's, rolls royces, bugattis, fantasy wins... until now. What do you say to the guy who's been completely MIA for the season only to make it into the playoffs by the skin of his teeth to then lose magnificently? You let Goffton walk on in and take the win with no fight whatsoever. I'm going to go on a limb and say, " Bravo!" Sometimes it Ertz to win. This season has begged me to ask the questions,"Who is this Chief Deflator and where did she come from anyway?!" Seriously though, you killed it Collette and this weeks loss doesn't make you any less of a threat for next season. "How did Clay squeak his way into the playoffs... then get mad because he thought that he wasn't in?"...but he was, then he won! It's an embarrassment of riches. Congratulations on the win Ertz. On to week 2 of the playoffs, I hope those first round bye week team owners haven't had too much relaxation this week and can make it through to the final round. Time for the final 4 to bring their A game to the table. Contributing Writer: Collette Emshoff Week 13 make or break.
The playoff to get, well, not just yet. Groppolo made the BEARS toppolo. Playoffs were the EAGLES flight, til the SEAHAWKS won the fight. Have you ever heard a game so absurd, as the JETS vs the CHIEFS? All I can say is good grief! Really? A child over the wall, to get a touchdown ball??? The "Human Joystick" made Tarik Cohen the pick! (too bad I didn't) We had a TD pony prance, and a break out "dirty bird" dance. Late hit debates? It's their future for Petes' sake! Antonio Brown toe is a go! Eli re-hired, McAddo fired! Ryan Schazier hit, ends up with surgery in Pit. Touch backs, drug tests, forward lateral, concussions, reverse punt; One handed TD catch, free throw, suspensions, fake punt.... Oh My! Contributing Writer: Clay HuntIf you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with TRIUMPH and DISASTER and treat those two imposters the same; If you can make one heap of all your winnings; And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe a word of your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they are gone and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them "HOLD ON!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, or walk with kings -- nor loose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt hurt you; If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds of distance run, yours is the EARTH and all that's in it, and, which is more -- you'll be a man, my Son! - Rudyard Kipling Excerpts from one of my favorite poems and applies to the fun of fantasy football! Win or lose we all love it. Glad to be a part of a good group who enjoys it as much as I do! Contributing Writer: Dana Gretchen of Straight Outta GofftonSTRAIGHT OUTTA GOFFTON vs GOLDEN ONE: 107 – 103
Nothing straight about this matchup…. Pretty gay. IT ERTZ WHEN EIFERT vs CHIEF DEFLATER: 98 -74 The chief got Eiferted on and it Ertz. MR CHA-CHING vs LLOYD DOBLER: 123 - 96 Used his CHA-CHING to buy and eat a Peach Dobler. RAM I AM vs KASHYYYK WOOKIES: 128 – 82 When you live a life of mystery, it’s a mystery how you could ever win at fantasy football. PACKING HEAT vs KISS MY HEISMAN: 91 – 50 Packed the HEISMAN and sent it to Elmhurst Place. OBI-JUAN KENOBI vs KLUELESS IN CHICAGO: 91 – 73 Seems to be Klueless everywhere. PS: Sorry guys, I know usually do a much more sophisticated recap, but I traded my writing skillz for a Fantasy Championship, still waiting to hear back, but I think this one’s a real winner. All I can say is there is a strategy in trading, my trades are crappy but it’s just to get a conversation started, if you’re not into trading that’s fine, but if I send a trade for a player, that means, I’m interested in that player and always ready to negotiate, so it’s not a waste of time, if you’re even a tiny bit interested in trading, looking forward to the home stretch! LET’S GO RAMS!!! Dobler I’ll give you James white for Todd Gurley!? You know you wanna! Contributing Writer: Carlos Velasco of Mr. Cha-ChingIn their second meet of the year, Mr. Cha-Ching wanted some revenge and that’s exactly what he got. What should have been a relaxing Monday game with 2 players vs 1 was almost ruined with Tyreek Hill throwing an interception, and Kareem was nowhere to be found.
MR Cha-Ching defeats Kashyyyk Wookiees: 87-84 In what is looking like an amazing season, the Chief keeps deflating her opponents. With another great game from the #1 TE in football and her Defense just obliterating their opponent, putting up a whooping 30 points Klueless in Chicago had no justice in this week's matchup. Chief Deflater defeats Klueless in Chicago: 132-91 Talk about an amazing match! Both teams came out swinging. It could have gone either way for this week's two highest scorers. Put back what looked like a Zach Miller TD and Dobler wins but as we all know that’s how it goes in fantasy. As for Ertz it looks like his season is finally going as planned. He still has a losing record but it could be worse. Ertz when Eifert defeats Lloyd Dobler: 147-144 Golden One is finally on the winning side. Poor guy has had a tough time getting a win, and it will probably be the last win he gets. He’s looking like this year’s toilet bowl winner. That pretty pony shirt is gonna find a new home. Packing Heat suffered from a BYE week, having multiple guys out and Ajayi not seeming find his mojo from last year. Golden One Defeats Packing Heat: 104-82 Yoda’s cousin looked like he had the force with him this week beating Goffton or as we know him “Worst Trade Offer.” Even with Obi’s star QB out, he still pulled out a win. The KC defense saved the week and let’s not forget Will Fuller V looked very nice sitting on the bench with his 33 points. Maybe he will take my kicker for Julio and Marshawn since they put up about the same amount of points. Obi Juan defeats Straight Outta Goffton: 88-76 Like most teams this year, Kiss looked forward to playing Ram I Am as it is almost always a sure win. This week’s matchup came down to the TE matchup where Jack Doyle came out of nowhere and had his best game of the year, outperforming Jordan Reed’s goose egg (0 points). While Wilson (44 points) could have won this week’s matchup, but once again like we all know, sometimes we suffer from leaving a guy on the bench and he has an amazing game. Kiss My Heisman defeats Ram I Am: 112-85 Contributing Writer: Mike Fountain of Kashyyyk Wookies  Good evening folks. Welcome to the 4th Annual but I think we skipped last year “One League to Rule Them All” Mid-Season Awards. I’m your host Chuck Woolery. You know one place you will never find me? At the Post Office, that’s because I use stamps.com. It’s great! Print postage right on your home computer. To skip the lines and avoid rubbing elbows with vagrants at the Post Office, use stamps.com. Enter the promo code “suckitTrebekk” and get a four week trial, postage and a scale. Now that we have the business side of things taken care of, cozy up with your phone and grab a cocktail. (sips dirty martini) Ah, that’s tasty! (Looks at producer) Why can’t we be sponsored by Bombay Sapphire?? It’s alway an interesting year for The League, fast starts, high hopes and dreams that get shattered like a collar bone. Returning owners, owners leaving, name changes. Through it all The League still remains strong because of strong leadership. Which lead us to our first award of the event. "The We Couldn't Have Done it Without You" award. (Fiddles with envelope) I'm so excited I can't wait to see who wins...Janelle!! (Camera pans to League members as they give a standing ovation hoping the Commish will reward them with extra FAAB.) Oh this is great, you know folks, I really enjoy award season, great people, great food, and free drinks! (Grabs and drinks a gin rickey) Great job again this year, Janelle. Let's move on to the next award. Ah, yes there is it. Sorry folks I'm having a little trouble reading the prompter. "Rookie of the Year" award. Goes to Collette! Collette come one up here and get this trophy! Well folks no surprise with that one she’s the only new member. Wait, she’s been here before, does she even qualify as a rookie? Oh well it’s in the prompter, so I’m reading it. (Looks off stage) Hey hey you back there another martini pronto!! "Comeback Owner of the Year" Collette?! How does she qualify for both awards? (Throws mic at producer) This makes no sense. Let's keep this party rollin' shall we? The next two awards fall on opposite sides of the spectrum "You'd Really Have to Screw up to Miss the Playoffs" award. Goes to Mike. He has the best record at the mid-way point and it's almost impossible for him to miss the playoffs. Well, I guess nothing's impossible. We’ve seen him go on a big losing streak before. "No Shot of the Playoffs" award. Alonzo. No drama for this award, one can only assume that he is saving cap space building for next year when you look at this roster construction. (Tosses back martini) Tom was nipping at Beadles heels for this award but his division is terrible and mired in mediocracy. Speaking of mediocracy It's time for the "Mired in Mediocracy" award. This one is for you busters fighting it out in the middle of your divisions. Like my friend Ricky Bobby says "If you ain't first, you last!" The bottom half of the Rohan division is just terrible this year all of these “winners” are below 500 please welcome to the stage, Josh, Janelle, Clay and Tom. Go take your poo trophy this will be the only winning that you will be doing this year. (Looks at producer) I am not drunk! (Looking at camera with a wink and smile). Yes, yes everyone clap away for their general sucktitude. Let's wrap this thing up so I can get my paycheck and grab another cocktail. For the last award of the evening it's a fan favorite "Worst Trade Offer" award. Dana!! Wow, folks Dana has a strangle hold on this award. He's a virtual lock for it year after year. In Dana's acceptance speech, he simply said, "I'm not going to change." Well folks I'm getting the wrap it up signal from the producers. Don't forget to tip your waitress and take an Uber home. Now where is my paycheck and cocktail. (drops the mic)  |
