Read All About It

Contributing Writer: Viju Mathew

Hi One Leaguers, you’re friend Oprah here. As I’m sure all of you are aware, September was not only when the NFL’s regular season started, it was also National Literacy Month. With that in mind, I’m starting a branch of my famous book club just for y’all. Now I know some of you haven’t cracked open a book since Reading Rainbow was your must see TV, but it’s time to empower yourselves people and let the written word work wonders on your quality of life. (No, Alonzo and Carlos, coloring books don’t count.) Anywho, I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with our reading list for the first few months. These are American classics that everyone should know, but I’ve provided a brief synopsis in case you were home with mono that year of high school (looking at you Lils).

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
The 1930’s story of three close friends, Will Fuller, Kenny Stills, and Dion Lewis who skip work one day, a day that their kind-hearted employer at the farm really needed them because he had been brutally attacked by the evil Tom Brady whom he caught stealing kale. A passerby, Brandon Cooks, tried to save him but only managed to hear “Ram I am” muttered through the last wheezing breath of the brave man before he expired. The book is written in the stream-of-consciousness style which makes it often hard to follow, much like Leonard Fournette’s injury status.

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On the Road by Jack Kerouac
A work that helped define the Beat generation, the tale told is of a fresh-faced young Patrick Mahomes and his friends who travel in Bohemian fashion to prove that money is not their master. Not even sheriff Cam Newton or the formidable Cardinals gang are a match for the heat their packing. The cha-ching of pocket change is all they need to be happy and free, until cirrhosis of the liver sets in—just like Jack.

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Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
A book about the banning of books, this ironic piece of fiction is a chilling account of what happens when the wrong people become powerful. Viewing none worthy of their greatness, the ruthless regime led by the enigmatic Odell Beckham Jr. and James Connor crush a rebel insurgence under captain Kirk Cousins. Sure the band of book burners are hot for the moment, but despotic dreams inevitably get extinguished.

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A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
Falsely accused of committing armed rodgery, a young Saquon Barkely escapes the United States and joins the Italian Army’s ambulance corps during WWI. He befriends a soldier named Aaron, who, despite being easily injured (and a bit pouty), helps Saquon beat up a weakened enemy who rely too heavily on an old man of questionable character, Adrian Petersen. Sadly, Saquon falls in love with an English nurse, Mason Crosby, who eventually kicks him to the curb. The Italian Army adopts the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy soon after.

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One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
The harrowing account of a mentally sound man (ok, reasonably sound), Lloyd Dobler, who finds himself trapped in a hospital for the criminally insane. Doctors Isaiah Crowell and Stefon Diggs misdiagnose the protagonist and convince him that winning is bad and that he needs to be punished. Before his loved ones can get him out, Dobler is given a lobotomy and is left to live a life where every day is a Bye Week.

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Moby Dick by Herman Melville
(Quite snickering Carlos, that’s really the name of the book). Melville’s timeless tome is a study of two powerful forces engaged in mortal conflict: Captain Ahab Gofton and, well, a whale. The two hard-chargers are bent on destroying each other. Despite the valiant effort of sailors Marshawn Lynch and Alvin Kamara, who try to sabotage both sides and level the playing field, another crewman (and member of Greenpeace), Christian McCafffrey, helps the whale win.

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Remember, One Leaguers, all of these novels can be purchased at oprah.com. First meet-up is at my place in Montecito. Oh, and bring plenty of Cab Franc…it gets Stedman frisky.