Week 10 Recap - President-Elect

Contributing Writer: Viju Mathew of Ram I Am

“People will become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited earth–“ —Luke 21:26
​
On Tuesday, November 8, the wild beast of Revelation found a new figurehead as Donald John Trump was voted the 45th president of the United States, proof that the majority of Americans derived their education from the Maury Povich and Jerry Springer shows.
​
Last Sunday, the president-elect appeared on 60 Minutes and was interviewed by the lovely Lesley Stahl. Excerpts that didn’t make the broadcast were unearthed by a Clinton aid and reveal that The Donald loves his football almost as much as he loves grabbing…attention. It’s no surprise, however, that the fantasy game confuses and annoys him, as does one league in particular. 

Lesley Stahl: What is it about Fantasy Football that offends your sensibilities Mr. President-Elect?
Trump: Well, Lesley, and by the way you look beautiful, not as beautiful as Melania but a definite 6. Anyway, I don’t need to fantasize, that’s for losers, but if I did, it wouldn’t be about football if you know what I mean. But more to the point, this One League to Rule Them All group really defines what’s wrong with America, I mean the majority of them wouldn’t be in this country if my wall had already been built. Worse, one of them, his name sounds Muslim, is probably a terrorist—I mean, that’s what people are saying, you tell me. This suspected jihadist claims to be a Rams fan. Who the hell is a Rams fan if they were actually born in this country? And he loses this week to a guy who named his team after a John Cusack character, really? When I want to be reminded of an ‘80s has-been I call up Ivanna or Marla Maples. But what I find most suspicious is that Ram I Am left two spots on his roster blank to obviously ensure his 70-point obliteration. You know who does that? Suicide bombers. I’m just saying.
 
Stahl: That is a terrifying thought, but don’t you think you might be reading too much into it?
​Trump: Not a chance, I don’t read, waste of time. I’ll give you more proof. One member of this subversive group has obvious ties to more militant factions of the LGBT community and is closely associated with Caitlyn Jenner who, in my opinion, is a national tragedy. This 50-shader, and you want to talk about “little hands” don’t get me started, he loses 104-136 to some mickey mouse prancin nancy, I want to see both of their birth certificates.

Stahl: Mr. Trump, you seem to be getting agitated, let me shift focus to your attitude towards women.
Trump: I love women, Lesley, I really do, and let me tell you, I’ve loved a lot of them, even black ones, well only one really, I was young, but I have nothing but respect for the gender. In fact, this group’s league commissioner is a woman and, from what I’ve seen, if she was the Democratic nominee rather than crooked Hillary, I would’ve lost. I’m thinking of considering her as a foreign policy adviser due to her understanding of cross-cultural issues, after all, she married a Mexican, but a good one, not a raping drug dealer. She’s a winner in my book, well, not this week because her husband beat her 118-105 but I’m sure her Eastern European blood will eventually prevail, just like mine did.

Stahl: Well it’s comforting to hear that there are women you respect.
Trump: Of course there are, I’ll give you another, the Hispanic owner of Powered by Donuts, a true credit to her people. The lady is a single mom and woman of great faith, not as great as my faith because I have the greatest faith, that’s what people say at least, I don’t know, you tell me, but she is strong, she won this week by 21 points. Actually, that might not be the best example now that I think about it, her opponent was a guy that is both a grown adult and Disneyland devotee, sad really, just sad. When did those two things stop being mutually exclusive? I don’t know, you tell me.
 
Stahl: Personally, I think we all need to remain in touch with our inner child. Speaking of children, what is the relationship like with your own?
Trump: They love me. Let’s face it, I’m the best dad. And I really like all my kids, Ivanka the most because she’s the hottest, but they are all great, even the one I just found out about.
Stahl: And who is that?
Trump: I actually didn’t know he existed until recently. His mother was the German ambassador to China and she and I had a dalliance after dim sum about 25 years ago. The kid has been raised since infancy by an upper middle-class white family in Goleta, Calif., and he is a golfer and spends a lot of time at a very discriminatory country club…I really couldn’t be more proud. I see a lot of myself in him, especially since he doesn’t let misguided respect for senior citizens get in the way of crushing the competition. He beat an elderly Red Sox fan this week by 15 points, that’s my boy. Go Yankees.
 
Stahl: Finally, you will be sworn in as the next president of this country in January. What brings you hope for this nation?
Trump: You’re looking at him. Also, I can tell you this, once all the illegals and people that I would like to make illegal are deported, we will have only patriots left, patriots like the owner of Ertz when Eifert. Now that’s a citizen who could help make America great again, not just because he beat a guy whose last name sounds like a bug this week or that he has the proper lack of melanin in his skin, but due to the fact that he’s a self-made business man and his dad was a Vietnam veteran who didn’t get captured, which is more than I can say for John McCain. That, and the guy’s kids look like little Vikings and God knows we need more of that.
 
Editor’s Note: This transcript has been unsubstantiated and is not intended for public viewing nor does it reflect the sentiments of the author, the league, or any individual members. Mike Pence approves this message.
​